An Ocean Unchained (Expectations)

A promise is a promise, the notion’s unchanged

The motive of motion is an ocean unchained

Expectations of life is a supposition I’ve blamed

For fate is a design that is forever unexplained

Is my potential the key or is life as random as chance?

Does hope keep me moving or is it an illusion of trance?

A prospect in life, but nothing is promised

Expectations are empty, makes it hard to be honest

Slow Down.

She told me to slow down. The best advice I may never take.

My life is a race with no debate of who’s in place.

I stare my future in the face as I’m running from my disgrace.

But my heart is beating hard and I’m struggling to keep the pace.

Too many plates in my hand; I want it all.

But when I walk I have my feet in the sand; I’m about to fall.

Heavy is the burden that I have on back.

But still, I want more, so these problems I stack.

Self-destruction is my motto. Overwhelmed is my name.

I could hit the lotto and still be playing the game.

How much is enough? What’s the motive of motion?

I’m bringing in more commotion, this shit is changing my notions.

Slow down she says. What are you rushing things for?

I’m just used to having less so now I’m starving for more.

Life is short with no reply.

People tend to say that life is short and you should reconcile with your broken loved ones. But what happens when those loved ones don’t love you back?

What happens when your constant attempts at peace are thwarted by ego, insecurity, and stubbornness? When both sides have been wronged, but one side refuses to admit that they had a place in this broken connection?

Do I just miss someone that doesn’t miss me? Do I reminiscence instead of re-create?

Miss me in life or forget me in death. Decisions are being made. Questions are being answered. Colors are being shown. Maybe I loved the old you, but something has definitely changed.

I was once family, sworn in by your words. And now I’ve felt to be considered nothing but a paragraph in your life story, although I’ve been by your side when you couldn’t pick up the pen and write yourself.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. Love is not lost, but the connection is. So what do I do with love and no connection?

Life is short to no reply. Leave me on read in life. Leave me on read in death.

I’m a Pokémon.

I’m a damn Pokémon.

This is what dating is for me.

I’m in the wild, alone in the grass, focusing on survival.

No one tries to catch me for a very long time. I am lonely, but there is no time in finding my trainer when survival is at my neck in all times.

My fellow Pokémon has been caught, leaving me in the grass alone.

Then all of a sudden, a human links eyes with me and refuses to leave.

Although I would love an accompanying human as a friend, I fight them anyway from the fear of losing something I may have never had in the first place.

Many trainers have failed. But this time I’ve been caught.

In the aftermath of being caught, I am confused and defiant. I collaborate cautiously, concealing my best moves for trust and evolution in friendship.

Eventually I hope to be able to show my true strength and grow along with my trainer.

I need the trainer just as much as the trainer needs me.

I have power within, but I have yet to be able to refine it to the evolved being I wish to be.

What am I talking about? Didn’t you read?

I’m a god damn Pokémon.

I’m more comfortable in my sheets.

I’m more comfortable in my sheets.

Like an imaginative fortress, it blocks my body from the harms of the world.

Nothing can touch me. Nothing can harm me. My mind should be able to relax.

A long and irritating day in the outer world is the quickest way to bring me back to my happy place.

I’m more comfortable in my robe.

Not because I’m cold, but because the world is cold. I need warmth anyway I can get, which is inside my home with my robe.

I’m more comfortable in my hoodie.

It protects me from the outside world like a shell. I reveal nothing and I stay in hiding, moving in public as much as a ghost as possible.

I protect my body in sheets, robes, and hoodies in hope that it calms my mind.

The only issue is…what do I have to protect me from my thoughts?

Tired.

I am so tired.

The screen blurs as I am forced to type for a paper due today.

My head hurts as I talk to stranger among stranger for the benefit of my job.

My body aches as I am forced to exercise for the sake of my health and life longevity.

My mind depresses as I struggle with loneliness, financial insecurities, and the feeling of hopelessness.

Am I moving with purpose or am I moving involuntarily, like a zombie with nowhere to go?

I say forced, but am I really? Who’s forcing me? My professor? My boss? My doctor? Society? Or myself?

Ambition burned to a crisp. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I crave distractions. I crave self-destruction. I crave….pain. Give me liberty or give me death. I’m tired of being in between.

I’m beginning to think..

I’m beginning to feel like love is not a matter of fate. Neither is it an automated process or something that just, “happens.”

Love is just as much work as building a business or perfecting a skill. Love is a path that many do not have the patience to cross. Love is something that may even have to be forced like a cork in a wine bottle.

I’m beginning to think love is an illusion. If I see a married couple, parents and children, friends, etc., I cannot assume it is love.

Love is not as easily spotted as we think. Love is not in our social media numbers. Love is not that bar at 1AM. Love is not in the bed you woke up in this morning.

We search for love as if it’s long-lasting, but it seems to wear out just as much as lust.

I’m just confused. What exactly is love? Is love the hero we have come to adore or the anti-hero that only exists for its own benefits.

I’m beginning to think that hope in love is hopeless. Or maybe it’s just me.

Freeze in the Name of Love

I may be too afraid to step in the name of love.

For every-time I have a chance to move forward, I freeze.

Colder than ice in front of a corner store.

Colder than the Chicago breeze.

Colder than frozen pizza.

As I resemble the likes of Sub-Zero, it reminds me how I kill every opportunity I have at experiencing love.

Are these unfortunate events or subconscious homicides?

If there is a fear of the unknown and I don’t know what love is then doesn’t it make sense that I fear love?

What if love is right behind me?

What if love is in my closet?

What if love is hiding in plain sight?

…SHOW YOURSELF!

I may be frozen, but your warmth may set me free…

Who’s my hero?

I sit my apartment on Halloween night; actively ignoring my school work and have “My Hero Academia” on pause. I’m looking at the ceiling, thinking about my life, my recent therapy session, and my current situations. I’m just thinking, ” I aim to be so many peoples’ hero. But who is my hero?”

Is it God? Is it my mother? Is it my mentors? I’m not sure, because I see the flaws in everything. Who is there to save me? What do I need saving from? Am I asking to be saved from something that is not a danger while there is a more dangerous demon lurking in my shadows?

I cannot attack my own demons if I’m busy attacking others. But this is the life I chose. I chose the life of impact. You can tell from my demeanor, my choice of career, shit, even my blogs sometimes.

I know I’ve changed lives in my time, and that empowers me like nothing else, but heroes need to be saved too. What if I’m ignorant to my hero because I’m too focused on everybody else? What if my hero is not a person or even a living thing? What if my hero is…me?

It may sound absurd, but at this point, it really seems like it’s up to me to save myself. I definitely have people that keep from going completely wacko and I love them, but I have to stop myself from drowning and swim to shore. All they can do is throw the life jacket.

Meanwhile, I’m jumping in the water to save folks and end up drowning myself sometimes. I’m not asking for handouts or even for anyone to care enough to reach out. I just want to be able to save myself without survivors’ guilt or leaving the people I love behind. That’s all.

Thanks for reading.

The Heart

Staring through the views of green,

I’m seeing nothing but blurry scenes of trees and I’m thinking like what you mean?

Losing your mind over this stuff you cant control,

Draining you of your soul, keep your eyes on the road.

Don’t look at what they’re doing, they ain’t you,

You know what can do.

So why you thinking blue,

When you know that you are the truth?

Everything you been doing until now is still proof.

You’ve proved yourself a soldier, pushing it since your youth.

Doubting, steady pouting about you losing your options.

Desperately wanting profit and walking with empty pockets.

Not looking at the future you’ve been building for yourself.

Near-sighted vision, so you think there’s nothing left.

Well fuck that, you’re a beast and nothing’s stopping your flow.

You’ve setup the stage, and now you’re stopping the show?

Snap out of it! I know you hear me, I know you feel me,

Just know that I love you dearly, this is not the voice of siri.

It’s not the voice of reason, an angel, or even Jesus.

Been trying to save your soul since I seen it break into pieces..

I watched it fall to the floor with every L you took,

If losing was a paragraph, you probably could of sold a book.

But they’re looking up to you like inspire them all!

And the loneliness attacks in these four corner walls.

They don’t know what’s in your head except for me.

I’m trying to you motivate you man, go be all you can be.

And next time you lose your mind just know I’m here for the cause,

And I will never let you quit, until I give you a pause, I’m your heart…

So when do we start…

I refuse to let you part…