Freeze in the Name of Love

I may be too afraid to step in the name of love.

For every-time I have a chance to move forward, I freeze.

Colder than ice in front of a corner store.

Colder than the Chicago breeze.

Colder than frozen pizza.

As I resemble the likes of Sub-Zero, it reminds me how I kill every opportunity I have at experiencing love.

Are these unfortunate events or subconscious homicides?

If there is a fear of the unknown and I don’t know what love is then doesn’t it make sense that I fear love?

What if love is right behind me?

What if love is in my closet?

What if love is hiding in plain sight?

…SHOW YOURSELF!

I may be frozen, but your warmth may set me free…

Who’s my hero?

I sit my apartment on Halloween night; actively ignoring my school work and have “My Hero Academia” on pause. I’m looking at the ceiling, thinking about my life, my recent therapy session, and my current situations. I’m just thinking, ” I aim to be so many peoples’ hero. But who is my hero?”

Is it God? Is it my mother? Is it my mentors? I’m not sure, because I see the flaws in everything. Who is there to save me? What do I need saving from? Am I asking to be saved from something that is not a danger while there is a more dangerous demon lurking in my shadows?

I cannot attack my own demons if I’m busy attacking others. But this is the life I chose. I chose the life of impact. You can tell from my demeanor, my choice of career, shit, even my blogs sometimes.

I know I’ve changed lives in my time, and that empowers me like nothing else, but heroes need to be saved too. What if I’m ignorant to my hero because I’m too focused on everybody else? What if my hero is not a person or even a living thing? What if my hero is…me?

It may sound absurd, but at this point, it really seems like it’s up to me to save myself. I definitely have people that keep from going completely wacko and I love them, but I have to stop myself from drowning and swim to shore. All they can do is throw the life jacket.

Meanwhile, I’m jumping in the water to save folks and end up drowning myself sometimes. I’m not asking for handouts or even for anyone to care enough to reach out. I just want to be able to save myself without survivors’ guilt or leaving the people I love behind. That’s all.

Thanks for reading.

The Heart

Staring through the views of green,

I’m seeing nothing but blurry scenes of trees and I’m thinking like what you mean?

Losing your mind over this stuff you cant control,

Draining you of your soul, keep your eyes on the road.

Don’t look at what they’re doing, they ain’t you,

You know what can do.

So why you thinking blue,

When you know that you are the truth?

Everything you been doing until now is still proof.

You’ve proved yourself a soldier, pushing it since your youth.

Doubting, steady pouting about you losing your options.

Desperately wanting profit and walking with empty pockets.

Not looking at the future you’ve been building for yourself.

Near-sighted vision, so you think there’s nothing left.

Well fuck that, you’re a beast and nothing’s stopping your flow.

You’ve setup the stage, and now you’re stopping the show?

Snap out of it! I know you hear me, I know you feel me,

Just know that I love you dearly, this is not the voice of siri.

It’s not the voice of reason, an angel, or even Jesus.

Been trying to save your soul since I seen it break into pieces..

I watched it fall to the floor with every L you took,

If losing was a paragraph, you probably could of sold a book.

But they’re looking up to you like inspire them all!

And the loneliness attacks in these four corner walls.

They don’t know what’s in your head except for me.

I’m trying to you motivate you man, go be all you can be.

And next time you lose your mind just know I’m here for the cause,

And I will never let you quit, until I give you a pause, I’m your heart…

So when do we start…

I refuse to let you part…

 

What is my place of peace?

For so long, I’ve tried to find my comfort place in this world. When I was a child, it was my best friend’s apartment, when I was a teen, it was in a video game world, and when I was in college, it was a music studio. All of these places are still near and dear, but that apartment is no more, I don’t have much time for video game immersion without guilt, and I do not make and pursue music like I used to.

This has put me in a bit of a dark spot. Now, you may or may not have thought, “What about your home?” Well, sometimes my home is a complete place of peace. But even though I live by myself, anxiety likes to break into my home and attack my peace. (Asshole) So where can I truly get my peace and comfort?

Is it the gym? I like the gym and I usually feel better after going, but with the people that’s usually around, the noise, the sweat, and having my headphones in the whole time, it’s not exactly an introvert’s dream spot.

The movies? Yeah, I can chill in a theater and enjoy a good movie, but my attention span is terrible and any movie past an hour and a half is too much for me, no matter how good it is.

Or can it be clubs and parties? Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Let’s move on.

So what can it possibly be? What can is generally quiet, calm, have a variety of things to do, and a place where I can learn, grow as a person, and create? Of course, a library! But not even a library. Places that involves learning and peace like bookstores, tea shops, poetry events, etc.

“But Terrell, you don’t read books like that.” Of course I don’t. And I’m working on that. I’m accustomed to turning to video games for entertainment, but my book collection and reading time is growing. Plus, there are two ways to explain why this is my place of peace.

When I was in elementary school my mother took me to the library often. It was one of my favorite places to go and I loved to read new stories. Mama says, “When I took Terrell to library, he always came out with two full bags of books, and read them in one day.” I even used to write my own short stories in elementary school. I even tried to read the entire bible and teen fiction books in 1st grade. Goosebumps was my jam!! I loved reading and writing, but my environment did not. As I grew up, I started to shy away from books and dabbled in things other kids around me liked like movies, music, and games. I think now is the time for me to unlock that interest I had as a young one and be in my place of comfort.

Also, I just mentioned reading and writing. I don’t read much, but I do write A LOT, given my blog, multiple mixtapes, short stories, chapbooks, etc. I think my place of comfort is less about me reading and more about the art of writing. When I read these books, I think about the author’s mindset and thoughts while writing their story or observations. I’m working on writing a full book now and plan to do more in the future. I can always go to a library and write in peace, for the most part.

Now that I have a good idea of a type of place in this world that calms me, I can take advantage while I grow internally, be productive, and work on my anxiety. I recommend you find your place of peace in this world too. Even if it is home, it can sometimes not be enough. We need a social spot outside of our shell to have a sense of belonging with. Find that and enjoy your peace in this world.

 

 

No Lights

Sun dimming down, it’s my only source of light.

Only the flame of the candle can reach my sight.

No sleeping tonight, because stress has taken a toll.

No air, no heat, and no energy in my home.

Sixteen, in my room, listening to my mother cry,

And I have no control, because I’m too young to supply.

Thinking about other teens working to have fun.

I’m working to pay bills and I can only pay for some.

Taking cold showers in the dark, in the evening.

Stopping just to pray for better times, then proceeding.

I vowed to make sure that I struggle no more.

Open the window for wind so hopefully I can snore.

Jealous of those privileged that always seem to have gain,

Not thinking about the fact that everybody has pain.

My mind won’t stop under the glistening moon,

I’m praying that this night will end hopefully soon.

Write to Sleep

My mind’s racing, not complacent, I’m dream-chasing.

I can’t sleep, my thoughts are baking, they won’t be quiet.

I need silence, but the mind won’t keep my fears private.

I need out of it, trying to settle with some logic,

But logic and empty pockets don’t match.

I feel attached to the chains that keep me latched with the burdens up on my back.

Sleep paralysis, awake, but can’t budge.

I see my future ahead, but distance is never judged.

Walking in the rain, but getting stuck in the mud.

Staying up really late, I’m thinking like, “Where’s the love?”

I’m checking for my circle like I need protection.

I turn around and see a mirror with just my reflection.

I just want to close my eyes until I doze off,

But I can’t stop thinking about my roadblocks.

I’m staring at the ceiling like it has an answer.

Thoughts running through my mind, more than I can handle.

I’ve realized I have to pick up the pen, I’m at it again,

Writing like I’m riding the wind.

I’m trying to win, my demons are still turning up the heat,

But I’m just trying to write myself to sleep.

Long Way From Home

I’m working on my future, because I’m tired of eating noodles.

I could have been a shooter, but my mother kept me neutral.

I could have dealt with dope, but the struggle gave me hope.

Music let me cope with the troubles of being broke.

Sitting in the dark praying to God for just a break,

You told me I could be great, how much more I’ll have to take?

We skated on the line, but I’m giving props to my mom.

She made sure I was fed and kept me in her loving  arms.

Kept me in my books and sacrificed her dreams,

So I promised I’d make it worth it, no matter how hard it seems.

No matter the depression, no matter the friends I lost,

No matter the life I pass, and no matter the cost.

No excuse, every barrier I’ll break it loose.

Nothing is going to stop me until I uncover the truth.

I don’t do this for your respect, I do it because nothing’s left.

The struggle made the heart of a warrior in my chest.

If the Mountains Weren’t Too High

If the mountains weren’t too high,

would I climb for you?

If the valleys weren’t too low,

would I slide for you?

If the rivers weren’t too wide,

would I swim for you?

A wealth of knowledge within your mind,

a wealth of ambition and strength in your soul,

and wealth of beauty in my near vision,

but only a few days to bask in your greatness.

I think as I fly away,

“Will I find someone like you in my nest? And will they find interest in me like I find interest in you?”

Only time will tell and only growth can make it true.

Run Away

When I stare down the barrel of my decisions,

I wonder who’s the witness to the crimes that I’ve committed?

Breaking this law of life and I’m just waiting for my sentence,

Fired from my duties like I was playing apprentice.

What’s the value of friendship when trauma collides?

Shadowed in pride, depression seeping both of our minds.

Run away for dear life as I’m fighting for mine.

Reaction is a passion and it’s sending a sign.

Too long for rulers and too close for cigars,

We lost the only thing we ever had that’s truly ours.

Leaving with a grievance while battling all your heathens

And breathing the toxic air will have your mental health weakened. 

Yes, I’m heated, but it has to be done.

What’s said has been said and your next step is to run.

So farewell and good luck, sis, the time has been fun.

I’m not stopping anyone so if you’re jumping the gun,

Run away.