Show me you.

I don’t want to go to the club with you. We don’t need to be regulars for fancy restaurants.

I want to chill with you, travel with you, learn with you, and build with you.

I want to learn who you are inside these four walls. I don’t care for the mask you wear outside.

I don’t care about your instagram followers. I care about what morals you follow.

I don’t want facebook to see our relationship like a reality show.

I want people to face the fact that we are a connection unbroken.

Don’t tell me your favorite track from Future.

Give me plans for your future.

Be genuine. Be authentic. Be funny. Be you.

Just show me you.

Confused

You left me very confused.

You showed me interest, but no affection.

You left me very confused.

You showed me affection, but no peace.

You left me very confused.

You showed me peace, but no direction.

You left me very confused.

You showed me direction, but no sense of humor.

You left me very confused.

You showed me sense of humor, but no ambition.

You left me very confused.

You showed me ambition, but no trust.

You left me very confused.

You showed me nothing.

Every single one of you left me very confused.

Because I showed you all of the above, but you still left me with nothing.

Honesty

Sometimes my honesty gets me in more bullshit than lying does. I think back to times where my honesty either got me in trouble or ruined something potentially good. So what’s the moral thing to do? Lie to keep the peace or soak the world in its truth? Should I hold my tongue or say my piece? Do I shy away from confrontation or step in when its needed?

I remember times where I regretted things I said not because I did not mean it (most likely I did), but because it was taken very badly despite my intentions. Ruined friendships, relationships, job opportunities, etc. All because I was being honest. But honesty is the right thing to do, right? So why does it sometimes feel so wrong?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s not what I said, but how I said it. I haven’t quite learned how to be gentle with honesty yet. Yes, with counseling courses and self-awareness, I have become much less blunt than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. I still have a long way of speaking my truth with carelessness or frustration. I must learn to be honest with mindfulness. No more self-destruction. No more broken souls.

I believe there’s power in truth, but there is a stronger power in language. My tone, my choice of words, my gestures, all play a part in my truth. Slow down…breathe…consider the other person. Know that you must be honest, but you do not aim to hurt feelings, (mostly). 🙂

Anyways. Yeah, honesty. A great responsibility with dire consequences if executed the wrong way. If I need to be peacefully honest with others, I need to be peacefully honest with myself…

The Image

The image is burned into my memories.

Anger and hurt mixed with eternal sadness.

It’s madness how our actions cause so much pain.

In the image of you two, all I see is you,

Happy.

The smile that stabbed my heart

And left me to die.

Why couldn’t you smile for me?

Why couldn’t I make you happy?

Why couldn’t I make myself happy?

I wanted friendship just to make you stay,

Even though you still wanted me

And I couldn’t let you go,

But I needed to.

Ice in my mind, but fire in my heart.

The image that put wood in the flames.

You two.

Happy.

Spirituality through college

Although I believe religions of all kinds exist in most universities, going to a very diverse university such as University of Houston exposed me to many different religions. The A.D Bruce Religion Center on campus supported mostly all religions. I am not sure if other universities do that, but I thought it was really cool when I walked in for the first time and realized that it was not only Christianity, but many other religions as well. See, from my environment, Christianity was basically the only known religion. Either you were a believer of God or a believer of nothing. I was aware of other religious options, but seeing this center really brightened my eyes. Although I thought this was culturally cool, it still did not move me in my religious identity. I was still a bit confused, because I was born into Christianity, but naturally backed away when it started to seem forced. I do think a God can exist; some things just cannot be explained by merely science. But I also believe it is not my duty to talk to others about their faith. Whatever brings you faith and joy is fine with me. And that is ultimately how I identified myself after my college experience. I am with Christianity because that’s how I grew up, but I do understand that the world is big and not everyone can believe in the same thing.

 

Even though I think this, I believe I am not that religious in heart. Throughout my college experience, I learned to hone my reflection on life and self-awareness. I learned to connect with others through more than talk and touch. I learned to search for true feelings and investigate the souls of others. What are their vibes? What are they feeling? How do they feel about me? And many other questions. So if I met you on campus and had the opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with you, I would not ask about your identity in religion, but rather your identity in yourself.

Why?

Why does the world never stop for your pain to heal?

Why does time stand still when you’re climbing the hill?

Why is hate in your blood for someone you don’t even know?

Why is love unconditional, but harder to show?

Why is currency the motive of the American dream?

Why is freedom in this nation never truly guaranteed?

Why do we think we know the truth and all the answers to life?

Why don’t we think for ourselves instead of picking a side?

Why is the work force flawed in a nation of jobs?

Why are we drowning in debt? It’s like we’re paid then we’re robbed.

Why is mental health not enough of anyone’s mission?

Why do we wait until suicide to give them attention?

Why do they want to keep us under the dirt?

Why is it systemically set for the suffering to keep being hurt?

Why don’t we ask more questions and listen more often?

Why are we living just to end in a coffin?

Toxic

I slept well this weekend. I finally let my issues go and I stopped worrying about you. I admit, I was reaching out, searching for attention. 

At first, I really needed your help and you gave it to me. Then you started becoming distant. My behaviors became less about my issues and more about you. Although I believe all of my actions were legit, I was partially and desperately seeking for attention. You were right. I’ve been enabled. 

We made an agreement that whenever either of us were angry at life we would leave the apartment and call or text the other. The plan was not working. I stopped looking for help and all I wanted to do is talk, but at that point you were already exhausted. 

The apartment that was once a happy place became a toxic environment. When I couldn’t sleep my emotions were unbalanced. Sometimes I was apologetic, sometimes I despised you, other times I appreciated your help, and other times I felt like you abandoned me. 

As you were escaping your issues, I felt trapped in mine as if you found the key and left me to die. I understand that we were friends and you really didn’t have to save me, but I feel like I have very few friends with a bond as strong as ours was. 

I stay loyal to my friends and I only want to see them happy and successful. To be the reason why that’s not happening is a failure as strong as steel. I wish I knew what to do to bring it back to the way it was. I know this is not the whole story, but I’m so ready for this chapter to end. Time will tell and time will heal.

If Only…

If only I had the courage, the will, the strength

To lay my thoughts to rest and pursue what I’ve been searching for

What I never thought I’d find

Not love

Not lust

But hope

Hope that our minds connect in such a way that no other woman and I have connected.

Hope that your story and mine don’t become parallel,

But intersect as we cross paths and laugh at life while it passes by

I hope that one day we can look each other in the eye

Realize that what we have is special

And the day we met must have been set to happen.

Whether friends or lovers,

I hope that we can be there for each other.

The spirit you possess entices my soul as the keys to yours unfold

We may come from different cloths but understand that with the right sew,

The outcome can be so beautiful.

Slow as the gentle breeze, but forward like the seven seas,

I want this connection to grow

If only.

Reflection

Hip hop rapper LL Cool J said it best, “When I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall; and in the back of my mind, I hear my conscience call.”

Maybe you should answer it.

Sometimes, we like to run away from our thoughts; to turn our backs to the dark side of our mind. Rumination follows you, but you run further. Like a nightmare, it won’t end until you face it. Pay attention to what your thoughts are telling you so that you can correct them. You wouldn’t go into a competitive debate with ear muffs, right?

Sometimes we use our lives to escape our thoughts. We either play like we’re too busy with responsibilities to stop and reflect, or we miss our chances for reflection because of constant distractions like our phones, games, social media, etc. These are all excuses to escape the looming negative thoughts in our heads. But wouldn’t it be better to operate without those ruminating thoughts?

There are many ways to improve your positive thinking, but either way, the first step is reflection. What do your thoughts say? What is really bothering you? Go deeper than the base foundation of your thoughts. Attempt to discover why these negative thoughts are here and how we can defeat them for good instead of finding a temporary fix. It is important to know the “enemy” before strategizing an attack.

Your thoughts are the only thing you truly have to yourself. Make sure they’re on your side. Take some time to escape the world and reflect on your thoughts, rather than escaping your thoughts and reflecting the world.