Sometimes my honesty gets me in more bullshit than lying does. I think back to times where my honesty either got me in trouble or ruined something potentially good. So what’s the moral thing to do? Lie to keep the peace or soak the world in its truth? Should I hold my tongue or say my piece? Do I shy away from confrontation or step in when its needed?
I remember times where I regretted things I said not because I did not mean it (most likely I did), but because it was taken very badly despite my intentions. Ruined friendships, relationships, job opportunities, etc. All because I was being honest. But honesty is the right thing to do, right? So why does it sometimes feel so wrong?
Sometimes I wonder if it’s not what I said, but how I said it. I haven’t quite learned how to be gentle with honesty yet. Yes, with counseling courses and self-awareness, I have become much less blunt than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. I still have a long way of speaking my truth with carelessness or frustration. I must learn to be honest with mindfulness. No more self-destruction. No more broken souls.
I believe there’s power in truth, but there is a stronger power in language. My tone, my choice of words, my gestures, all play a part in my truth. Slow down…breathe…consider the other person. Know that you must be honest, but you do not aim to hurt feelings, (mostly). 🙂
Anyways. Yeah, honesty. A great responsibility with dire consequences if executed the wrong way. If I need to be peacefully honest with others, I need to be peacefully honest with myself…
Although I believe religions of all kinds exist in most universities, going to a very diverse university such as University of Houston exposed me to many different religions. The A.D Bruce Religion Center on campus supported mostly all religions. I am not sure if other universities do that, but I thought it was really cool when I walked in for the first time and realized that it was not only Christianity, but many other religions as well. See, from my environment, Christianity was basically the only known religion. Either you were a believer of God or a believer of nothing. I was aware of other religious options, but seeing this center really brightened my eyes. Although I thought this was culturally cool, it still did not move me in my religious identity. I was still a bit confused, because I was born into Christianity, but naturally backed away when it started to seem forced. I do think a God can exist; some things just cannot be explained by merely science. But I also believe it is not my duty to talk to others about their faith. Whatever brings you faith and joy is fine with me. And that is ultimately how I identified myself after my college experience. I am with Christianity because that’s how I grew up, but I do understand that the world is big and not everyone can believe in the same thing.
Even though I think this, I believe I am not that religious in heart. Throughout my college experience, I learned to hone my reflection on life and self-awareness. I learned to connect with others through more than talk and touch. I learned to search for true feelings and investigate the souls of others. What are their vibes? What are they feeling? How do they feel about me? And many other questions. So if I met you on campus and had the opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with you, I would not ask about your identity in religion, but rather your identity in yourself.
I slept well this weekend. I finally let my issues go and I stopped worrying about you. I admit, I was reaching out, searching for attention.
At first, I really needed your help and you gave it to me. Then you started becoming distant. My behaviors became less about my issues and more about you. Although I believe all of my actions were legit, I was partially and desperately seeking for attention. You were right. I’ve been enabled.
We made an agreement that whenever either of us were angry at life we would leave the apartment and call or text the other. The plan was not working. I stopped looking for help and all I wanted to do is talk, but at that point you were already exhausted.
The apartment that was once a happy place became a toxic environment. When I couldn’t sleep my emotions were unbalanced. Sometimes I was apologetic, sometimes I despised you, other times I appreciated your help, and other times I felt like you abandoned me.
As you were escaping your issues, I felt trapped in mine as if you found the key and left me to die. I understand that we were friends and you really didn’t have to save me, but I feel like I have very few friends with a bond as strong as ours was.
I stay loyal to my friends and I only want to see them happy and successful. To be the reason why that’s not happening is a failure as strong as steel. I wish I knew what to do to bring it back to the way it was. I know this is not the whole story, but I’m so ready for this chapter to end. Time will tell and time will heal.
Hip hop rapper LL Cool J said it best, “When I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall; and in the back of my mind, I hear my conscience call.”
Maybe you should answer it.
Sometimes, we like to run away from our thoughts; to turn our backs to the dark side of our mind. Rumination follows you, but you run further. Like a nightmare, it won’t end until you face it. Pay attention to what your thoughts are telling you so that you can correct them. You wouldn’t go into a competitive debate with ear muffs, right?
Sometimes we use our lives to escape our thoughts. We either play like we’re too busy with responsibilities to stop and reflect, or we miss our chances for reflection because of constant distractions like our phones, games, social media, etc. These are all excuses to escape the looming negative thoughts in our heads. But wouldn’t it be better to operate without those ruminating thoughts?
There are many ways to improve your positive thinking, but either way, the first step is reflection. What do your thoughts say? What is really bothering you? Go deeper than the base foundation of your thoughts. Attempt to discover why these negative thoughts are here and how we can defeat them for good instead of finding a temporary fix. It is important to know the “enemy” before strategizing an attack.
Your thoughts are the only thing you truly have to yourself. Make sure they’re on your side. Take some time to escape the world and reflect on your thoughts, rather than escaping your thoughts and reflecting the world.